So last night was pretty awful. I'm I've only know Mr. D for a little over a month but we talk every day and some of our conversations are pretty cozy -Like, he will tell me how great it would be if he could be here to hold me in his arms and fall asleep together -- Who says these things? I've warned/asked him in the past not to say such things until he knew for sure what he wanted, and so I suppose by him saying them still, I took it that he knew what he wanted... Me. Guess that was wrong!!
So I get the text messages yesterday at work. I can't remember if he calls me or if I call him but either way, we talk for a short while about what happened the night before. Somewhere in all this, he get's hung up on me offering him a way out early into this "relationship" and how easy it was/is for me to walk away -- HOLD THE PHONE BUDDY -- I try to explain how it was more of a coping mechanism on my part then anything else and that I do have feelings that have started to grow for him (definitely not the LOVE feelings -waaaay too soon for that!). I tell him I don't feel comfortable trying to "convince" him to choose me, that I feel he should already "want" to choose me, especially given the situation and our past conversations but that it is ultimately up to him.... blah, blah, blah. We hang up and my stomach immediately starts to hurt and I head home around 3:30.
I'm a thinker -- all I do is think about a situation. I will replay every word, every action, every emotion -- It's awful and I can't stop myself from doing this!! I even go as far as turning the radio up as loud as I can just so I can't hear myself think, sadly this too does not work. I wonder if this is why I took to drugs and alcohol so easily in my younger years. I do not do well with "feelings".
So I get home and decided to call him again. Not that I want to talk about this current issue, I just want to talk, to hear his voice I so enjoy listening too. It's almost like getting a tattoo -you know it hurts, yet you do it anyway! So we chat, and it's nice, its comforting (to me at least) and then he gets a phone call coming in, said it was work and that he needed to call them back. I say "Ok, call me when you are done" and he has this tone like, please don't let me go so quickly, so I say "I only said that bc you said you had to call work" to which he says "I know I do, its work." So I again say "So, call me when you're done and we'll chat for a little while longer", to which his reply is something like "Ok, I will (but with gusto in his voice)."
A little time goes by and he's not calling me back. In my now slightly inebriated state I decide to send him some play full text messages -- like a picture of me with the caption "R u gonna call?", a picture of the dress I had all picked out for our date night, a picture of the 1/2 gone bottle of wine I had saved for our date night, blah, blah, blah.... Either way, it didn't work!
By this point I am feeling completely defeated -well, maybe not defeated, more like Not Chosen, second best, over looked, not good enough, blah, blah, blah. All of which are pretty awful to feel like. So I talk with Mom, I talk with Julie, I even talk to a few friends throughout the night and I still fall into this utter self depression. I haven't visited this place in such a long time -six years at least!
But at around 8:30 pm, I find I have a text from Mr. D. I missed when it came in as I was wallowing in self pity and didn't notice the chime of the phone.... He says "Sorry by the time I got off the phone I was almost here. Talk to you soon." What?!?! What in the world does this mean? Does this mean what I hope it does, that he has decided to leave this other girl and focus only on me??
NOOOOOOOOOO! It doesn't. Why do I say this with such emphasis? Because he hasn't texted and/or called since.... It's now 8:30am!! I've sent him a couple of texts last night and once this morning -all light hearted and easy going -all with the same message of "Please call me". We will see what happens.
Plenty of things could have happened last night. Here are a few of my favorites: 1) He could have made up with her and stayed the night with her (my personal opinion). 2) He could have broken up with her and stayed at a hotel and was just too tired to call from the long drive and/or fight he had had and fell right to sleep. 3) He could have broken up with her and driven back to his house and was just too tired to call from the long drive and/or fight he had had and fell right to sleep.
He told me once that he does better in a relationship then out of one, so with this in mind, I believe the first option is what took place. I believe it took place because I'm too new and that scares him too much. I believe he chose to stay where he felt comfortable but not completely happy. I am still the unknown to him and that poses a possible threat -would this work with Holly, would she be this way even after 6 mo, a year, would we still get along after a fight, would she.... Sometimes the "would she's" are just too much for some. I'll keep you posted if something changes but I have a feeling that that was the last of Mr. D.
SIDE NOTE: I've lost a total of 12 pounds since my vacation in July!!!