Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My adventures in dating... Part 2

Well here it is three days since and I've screwed everything up!  Why do girls do this, I do not know!!  I've explained to Mr. D. before that this was new to me, that it had been a while since my last dating experience, that I needed to take things slow, that I've not had a "grown-up" relationship before... but how can you stop your brain from telling you lies and feeding off your insecurities!?!?!  You can't, that's what I've decided.  I've tried -it doesn't work well for me.  I'm told this is normal and that every girl goes through this -some better than others. I clearly fall short here.

See, before we met  -he was quick to respond to my texts or phone calls. He was quick to make me laugh or to send me a simple "HI" but now, now that we've met -things aren't so quick.  We chatted Sunday on my drive home until I made it to the main highway and we've chatted every night since -but it's been very different, you can feel a distance -- Why?  What happened?  Was it me?  Was I not what he thought I'd be?  Is he regretting talking with me, with meeting me?  Stupid questions that won't stop!!  Might I add that it doesn't help that Sophie is not at home for a much needed distraction or hug!

Anyway, last night I went on a bit of a rant.  Not too bad, but bad enough to cause damage in a newly beginning relationship.   I tried to explain (by text mind you) that I felt like every time I wanted to talk (by phone), he was busy but rather then tell me he was busy, he just wouldn't answer my texts until a while later -and then still not call, only text. It came across to me as a bit stand offish, like maybe he really was changing his mind about me -which lead to even more insecure feelings, topped with missing Sophie -- never a good combination!  

He didn't communicate that he had gotten something in his eye the other day and needed to see an eye doctor or that he hasn't been able to catch up on his sleep since the weekend, or that work has been crazy busy for him... I didn't know these things bc Mr. D didn't communicate that with me, until after my rant.  I get that he is really tired and probably doing his best with what he has right now but either way, the texts were sent and I screwed up something that could have been...  What must he think of me now?  I know if I were him, I'd be thinking "what in the world have I gotten myself into?"

Oh sure he responded back to my rant with "Jeez you think too much and must not remember anything either" (he's referring to him coming for a visit after the job ends also referring to the fact that he does (or did) really like me too).  Also to follow was "We should wait to see how things develop, to see where they go naturally" -- which I totally get and completely agree with.  BUT why did I have to send those texts!!!  I keep going over them. They were reasonable, and very childish!  I 100% feel like I'm back in high school.  Had he just communicated with me a little better maybe I wouldn't have slipped over to the dark side but that doesn't matter at this point, the damage is done...

Maybe I am destined to be an old maid only to grow old alone with my child taking care of me.  One can only hope I have such a great out come!  Oh, well.  What can I do at this point?  

We did text a few times through out the night, light and simple -the way it should have stayed and I did send one last text this morning, apologizing to Mr. D for ranting on him like that.  He's asleep right now so I haven't heard back from him and to be honest -don't know that I will. 

What am I thankful for out of all of this... Great question.  I'm happy to know that that part of me didn't die, but rather has been reawakened and ready to get back out there and find love again. Not sure how to do this as I hate the dating scene but I want to be married, I want to start a new chapter of my life with someone special -is it with Mr. D., who knows.

To the gym I go!  I have a few loses ends to firm up!!

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